Untitled

I have no title here. No attention grabbing, dramatic, glimpse-giving title. To be quiet honest, I don’t know where this is going to take me.

Have you ever tried the feeling of emptiness? Not the “emptiness” you read in novels, where the main character feels nothing at all. In fact, that type of emptiness should be considered a bliss. Not feeling anything is the best thing you can feel. No rush, no rattling thoughts, nothing. The emptiness that I was referring to in my previous question is something else. Something far away from the nothingness emptiness. The emptiness that I mentioned, is the literal emptiness. Like there’s nothing inside you.

Have you ever felt like you were hollow? That type of emptiness? The feeling that if someone knocks on your skin, they would hear an echo answering them back. The type of emptiness that nothing can fill, or at least that’s how it feels. The emptiness when even the voices in your head are quiet, and it’s not because they have nothing to say, it’s because they don’t want to speak to you anymore. They are tired of you; of your stubbornness and happy lies. They’re tired of speaking to you because you never really listen to them.

Suffocation, the type of suffocation in which, even if you were put in a bubble with nothing but a plenty of fresh air, you still wouldn’t be able to breathe. Even if oxygen-rich air was forcibly pumped into your lungs, you’d still choke on it.

Insignifcance, by everything and towards everything. You matter to nothing and nothing matters to you.

You no longer have the urge to speak, because it seems like even if you say all the words in the world, nothing will make sense. Not to you, not to anyone.

You just need, even crave, someone to just be there. Not to speak, not to soothe you, but just to be there.

Loneliness in crowds.

Needs, many of them.

Familiarity no longer exists.

You no longer know what you want, if anything at all.

You need them to say all the right things and take all the right steps, yet deep inside you know that’s ridiculous and impossible.

They’re human, too.

But so are you.

And that’s the part you were missing. You forgot that it’s okay, even for you, to break down. To stop pretending. To expect nothing but comfort until you pull yourself back together.

You don’t need anyone to fix you, but you need everyone to give you the chance to fix yourself. No pressures, no questions, no expectations, just time. Comfortable, happy, unconditional time.

So you grab a pen and a paper and spill your heart on empty pages hoping that, somewhere between the mess that you will create, an answer will be found.

And I’m still searching..

Self Battles

It takes courage to make a decision, and sometimes it takes a lot more courage not to make one.

Sometimes the hardest decision you choose to make is to do nothing about it. To let it die.

For a long time I’ve been lost in my head.

For a long time I felt abandoned, unimportant and insignificant.

Now, just the opposite.

I can’t still quite understand how or why it all happened. I can’t even understand how nothing changed after that.

The plain truth right now is that I can’t really understand anything. Not a single thing.

I don’t know what to believe. I have no idea which direction to go, especially when all directions are equally misleading at the moment.

I need help, I just don’t know from whom or in what way.

I don’t need the reassurances anymore, or the promises, or even the apologies.

Or maybe I do.

I really can’t tell.

I’m becoming my own enemy. I want everything. I also want the opposite of everything. I swore I would never let this happen. And I did. And I’m happy, when I really shouldn’t be.

This may be nonsense to everyone reading my words here, but to me, this is as sensible as I can get right now.

Wrong Roads

I don’t really know if I’m ready to write this here yet. As a matter of fact, I really don’t know what “this” actually stands for. I don’t know if I’m devastated, disappointed or just neutral. I can’t even tell whether it surprised me or I just saw it coming.

I laugh at the irony that the most thing I hated is the thing you brought me down with. The irony that although you knew the one thing that will make me let go without thinking twice, it’s the one thing you chose to do.

I find it so awkward that a person can give up on stability and understanding and warmness for things that would never really matter or last.

I have nothing against you, except that I can never forgive you for making me let go of the one thing I loved the most.

Was it worth the pain? I can’t really tell anymore.

Damage Far Beyond Repair

Whenever I heard the word “heartbreak” I always thought it was a thing that happens suddenly, a thing that happens after a certain situation or conversation.

Well, it could happen this way. But let me tell you, as bad as it may seem, this is not the worst way to get your heart broken.

Heartbreak could happen over a period of time. One situation, then another, then another. Every situation of them just breaks a tiny bit of your heart which is too small to notice. You think everything is perfect later on, but the fact remains that the broken part is still broken. The next situation breaks another tiny part, but you still don’t feel it. This happens over and over until you finally find that a large part of your heart has gone. You feel heartbroken and you get so angry at yourself for letting this get to you.
Nobody really understands because if you let all the tiny heartbreaks pass then why are you stopping now?
Nobody gets the point that all the tiny pieces are gone and now you have nothing left for them to break. It may happen over days, months or even years but once it happens, they can never fix it.

When you decide to break someone’s heart, make sure you don’t step on all the broken pieces. If you want to do damage, then at least do one that you can repair.

Finally

I can’t believe I’ve finally made it to writing this here. I’ve been trying to dodge my thoughts and to avoid my discomfort for quite a long time now.

Truth is, I’m currently on the worst roller-coaster ride of my life! My mind is racing at a rate of a million and one thoughts per second. That was just the plain truth. The ugly truth, on the other hand, is that not a soul understands what I’m going through. Everyone is so damn indulged in their own life that no one gives a damn about what the hell is going on with you. And honestly, it makes no difference at this point.

I’ve contemplated letting go of everything. Just switching off my mobile and blocking everything and everyone out of my head for a few days. *buzzer sound* That didn’t work. I’ve contemplated so many reckless solutions that you would be amazed to hear, never put any into action. The ignorance, the blindness, the detachment, the lost appreciation, everything is just driving me crazy. What the hell is going on? Whose life am I living? I never came down to this throughout my life. I suddenly feel like I’m walking in someone else’s shoes. This was never the life I planned to live. This utter dependence, devastation, fear, emotional and physical stress, this was all never a part of my plan. I have no damn idea what on earth is going on in my life! How (and when) the hell did I become this pathetic person?!

I can’t take this load of nonsense anymore.

Why the hell can’t people get a hint? Why is it so damn hard for them to be so damn careful when someone just needs them to stick around?!

I’ve spent the last few days trying so hard to restrain myself from being indifferent. The thought of, “To hell with this, I’m not going to try anymore” is just so typically me and I don’t want to go there because I was never, ever able to pull myself back once I stepped into that zone.

There’s so much anger and distress building up in me right now that I’m trying so damn hard to contain.

I’m just sitting here, waiting for one last thing to push me over the edge.

One last thing.

Hangers

The truth is, she chose to hang all her dreams, goals and happiness on a hanger; a hanger that was hanging on the the thinnest thread there could ever be.

Not only was the thread utterly thin, but it was also starting to disintegrate. She had to choose whether to let it break lose, or to fix it.

Everyone told her threads can never be fixed, but she knew better.
She knew that replacements are out of question, so she tried to fix it.

She’s hoping she won’t keep trying for the rest of her life ..

Tight Walls

I’m writing this, when I literally have no time to even look around me.

Anyone who knows me will know that I’m in the most stressed few days of my life.

And I’m still writing.

I’m still leaving everything and I’m still writing here, because I need the relief. Even though it won’t fix a thing, I need to know that someone who may not even know me has read this, and knows what I’m going through. As if this would distribute my stress among every reader. Yes, I actually have hope in that. I’m that desperate at this moment.

Sometimes not a thing is going right. Well, to be honest, nothing is going very wrong either, but that is not good enough.

Everyone around me is stressing me in their own way. There are those who don’t notice it, and those who choose not to.

I’ve learnt, throughout my life, to never ask for anything twice. Doing so exhausts me. Everytime I do otherwise, I realise that I’m draining my emotions into something that not everybody notices, which only brings more stress home.

I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t expect any one to be completely aware of how deeply emotionally wrecked I am (which rarely happens). No one. Not even the closest. Not even my own family.

I’ve learnt that at moments of stress, everything is magnified. Everything. It’s like I just want to beg everyone to stop whatever they’re doing to me for just a few days. You do something tiny, I feel like you’ve done every wrong thing in the world. And that, too, stresses me because I feel like I’m losing my ability to communicate.

I’ve learnt that talking your stresses out doesn’t really make them go away. It might make it worse when you feel like you’ve poured out every silly little thing in your heart unnecessarily.

Currently, I have no idea what I want to do or whether or not I have the will to make it this time. Giving up to your fears, rage, pain and every other illusionary negative emotion that you have is quite easy and ever so tempting at times.

On the outside, I’m perfectly fine. See these laughs? They’re not originating from my heart. Not even close.

On the inside, there’s a mess that’s going out of my control.

And I just can’t help it.

Why Do Couples Cheat?

This question has been running in my head for way longer than I can remember. Ever since I watched Kate Hudson’s and Ginnifer Goodwin’s “Something Borrowed”, which is honestly my least favorite movie ever, I have never stopped wondering.

Why would a person cheat in a relationship?

To be quite honest, I can find a reason why a person would cheat in marriage (although there’s never an excuse other than the fact that they are too low to be labelled human) but atleast I can say that they fell out of love and were too low and decided to avoid facing the consequences (particularly the financial ones) of manning up and facing their spouse so they decided to take the cheaper, unethical solution: cheating.
A reason as such, although too low for human standards, is atleast a reason.

But the question that’s always roaming around in my head is: Why would a person cheat in a relationship?
As far as I know, you’re not chained to the person you love. There’s no greater power forcing you to stay with them. You are two people who are together because you chose, on basis of a completely free will, to be so.

When I’ve asked people why would a person cheat instead of ending their relationship and starting a new one, the only answer I’ve got is: They don’t want to hurt their partner.

That was the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life! If you’re cheating, that means you fell out of love, which also means their feelings mean really nothing to you so you might as well start wanting to directly hurt them.

Eventually, the pain you cause them will be much more devastating than that of saying “I can’t do this anymore”, which makes your aforementioned excuse nonexistent.

Besides all that, I really don’t see why you would choose someone else over the person you already chose. Maybe because they’re better looking? Smarter? Richer? More romantic? Well, let me break it to you: that’s a mean cycle. This “more” is eternal. There’s always a more beautiful, smarter, funnier and richer person out there. Whoever you choose, there’s always someone else who is a step closer to perfection out there so good luck falling in love with half of the world’s population! If you cheat once, it becomes a trait because I see no reason why the next will be more satisfying when there’s always the better.

However, if your reason is that you made a wrong choice, if understanding and communication are missing in your relationship from day 1 and you find them somewhere else, then the most humanly thing to do is to let your partner know. It will be devastating and maybe heartwrecking for them, but you owe them the truth. You owe them enough to let them know that there’s nothing more you can give. Cheating or not, once you stop loving someone they have the right to know. I’m sure you would want to know if it was the other way round 🙂

The last thought I’m going to spill here is: I hope you find love. I hope you search thoroughly and devotedly until you find the love that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life. Don’t waste your emotions here and there because eventually, you will end up with none. I finally realised that waiting and evaluating a relationship before starting one is the best way. I have my own beautiful inspiration down this path, and I hope you find yours 🙂

Crossroads

I find myself standing in the same spot.
Over and over and over AND OVER AGAIN!
I know what I’m thinking is absurd. That every thought passing through my mind is complete nonsense but I still can’t stop.
I really want to,
But I can’t..

I’m Officially 21

It is my 21st birthday, and it was one of the best birthdays of my life 🙂
But the truth is,
I don’t really feel any different.
I have the same fears.
I have the same feelings.
I do everything the same way.
I’m no longer a minor, officially.
The only thing that has changed is the people around me.
I’ve lost so many people, and I’m damn proud of it.
My life was so full of unnecessary relations until I finally realised that a change is required.
I realised that we waste so much time with the wrong people.
Although I realised this the hard way, I’m still glad I did realise it.
I realised that a lot of people will try their best to make you happy, people who you never expected to care.
Life is not the ugly, selfish place you thought it was. It’s just that you used to hang out with ugly and selfish people and that was merely their reflection.
I can never express how some people made me feel over the moon type of happy. I found the one thing that I’ve always searched for: love. I can never ever be grateful enough for that. I’ve found the person who completely satisfies me to the point that I have no expectations of anyone else whatsoever.
Life is a happy place, just chooce to spend it with the right people.
I’m finally 21, but I certainly don’t feel like it.
Thanks to everyone who spent a single minute of their day trying to put a smile on my face 🙂