The “Quit” Button

It’s so hard to admit, but it would have been the solution to everything.
Quitting is weakness, or so I’ve been told. But what if your strength has gone from all to zero?
You’ve been fighting secret, silent battles that no one knows about.
You’ve been thinking and rethinking a million things everyday, yet you never considered them worth being spoken out. You always choose the laughs and smiles over discussing your drama, because happiness is sometimes all you need. Because it will seem pointless to everyone else.
Sometimes I would trade anything for yesterday’s happiness. Anything.
But my heart is not in it. My heart just needs to take its space and be depressed for a while. No matter how hard I try, it won’t let me change that fact.
I make mistakes, I know. Maybe not very small ones. Maybe ones that do hurt. But I really regret that.
Sometimes I would gladly go for the quit button. I would isolate myself and take my time in getting over whatever is happening in my life on my own. If it weren’t for the people who keep me holding on..
If it weren’t for the one that keeps me choosing laughs over any moment of sadness..
I don’t think quitting is weakness. I think quitting is the only sign of holding on long enough until you had no more energy left in you.
Sometimes all you can do is block. Block your thoughts.
Block your fears.
Block that nasty voice inside your head.
Block the scenarios.
Block the nonsense.
Quit the battles that you’re fighting alone. They won’t get you anywhere.
Stop chasing happiness. If it doesn’t come on its own, then it doesn’t belong to you.

Insignificance

Writing is a relief. My pen, or in this case, my blog never really said that is doesn’t want to hear me and it never really got bored of me.

It hurts when you realise that you will never be good enough. It hurts when everything you feel, think or want becomes suddenly unimportant and insignificant. It hurts when you feel like you’re no longer a priority in a “bigger plan” and that you are expected to be fine by it.

No matter what you do, you will never be good enough. Actually, you won’t even be a step better. Every time you tried went in vain.

You think there is an exception but you come to realise that everything will go great only as long as you comply with everything.

Your emotions start meaning less, your breakdowns start being normal and your hurt isn’t really a significant part of the story anymore.

The sad part is, you expected that all this was over. That you were way past the point of being in this position of fear and insecurity. But apparently, you never will be..

Losing Battles

The thoughts may be rushing to you and the scenarios may be playing in your head over and over again. Irrational, unimportant and impossible as they may seem later, at the moment they look so real.
You can’t think of words to describe anything you’re feeling at this moment; and even if you do, you won’t ever find a person who would understand any part of the mess going on in your head. How would they when they have no idea that such absurd thoughts may be really choking you, silly as it may sound?
Don’t try to spit it out, because the reaction you receive will be anything but the one you’re expecting.
You can’t blame them.
They haven’t lived what you lived, they’ve never seen what you saw and they, sure as hell, do not have the wicked brain you have.
It may seem like a torment, you may think that you’re alone, but believe me, you’re not.
There are thousands, probably millions, out there who have the same torture going on in their heads but can’t, or won’t, let it out.
Your thoughts seem to be your number one enemy, and honestly, they may be are. You feel like you’re going to self-destruct at any minute.
But you won’t.
With every passing minute, you adjust to the wicked existence of your twisted thoughts.
You try to fight back, and you fail. You have to.
Because failure is a part of existing.
Keep fighting back.
Never let your mind be the upper hand.
Never let your thoughts get the best of you.
Do not lose yourself.
Fight back.
As hard as you can.

A Confession

I’m actually head over heels being occupied by a million things all at once.
Despite that, I had to write this because somewhere at the back of my mind there’s a nagging urge that’s keeping me distracted all the time, although sometimes I fail to even notice it.
Yes, I admit it. I have a new insecurity. A fear that’s consuming me. A nagging discomfort that’s haunting me.
I dread the distance. I awfully and uncontrollably fear it. Every second I remember the times when distance brought out the worst in me I feel like hiding. I try to skip every single thing that reminds me of those days. I’ve never felt more miserable or insecure throughout my life, and believe me, there were enough reasons why I should have.
I almost lost everything I ever believed.
I had nothing to hold onto but things that seemed so distant and unreal.
I don’t know how to get over this and I really don’t think I ever will. I hate distance. Although I have many reasons to believe that it won’t happen again anytime soon, I have a gut feeling that it will. That terrifies me.
It’s out of my hands. I wish you understand that.
I hope someone out there understands this, because it’s such a lonely place right here. My thoughts are a very, very lonely place.
I had to let this out before it gets to me yet one more time..

Mnemophobia

Yes, it’s not a very common word. Yes. I know you probably don’t know what it means.
Well, neither did I.

Mnemophobia is a very uncommon word. You probably never even heard it in your life although you live with it. Everyday. Every single tiny moment of your life.

It’s the fear that keeps you up at night. The fear that could turn your smiles to tears in seconds, no, milliseconds. It is the one thing that’s capable of hitting the “pause” button of your life unexpectedly. You can’t possibly even count the number of times it caught you off guard.

Mnemophobia is the fear of memories. The fear of making them, remembering them or forgetting them.

We make memories every single day of our lives. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the painful, the ugly and the list goes on.

You look at a picture, hear a song or pass by a place and your heart sinks. You either smile to yourself and continue, or you freeze. You freeze at the thought that these memories can no longer be made the same way. Maybe the picture is incomplete. Maybe a person is missing now, the type of “missing” that cannot be reversed. What if you don’t want these memories to be re-made? Maybe the pain was too much to handle. Maybe the longing was unbearable.

What if these memories were too happy? The type of happy that makes every other experience seem dull in comparison.

We can go in endless circles and write endless words, but feelings can never be spilled on pages.

Lock you memories up. Know that they made you the person that you are today. You will experience them again. In different ways, yes. But they will come back. Leave room for what’s yet to come instead of being too occupied by the past that’s haunting you.

We’re only lost souls. Chasing things we can’t see, for reasons we can’t figure out…
And it’s completely okay 🙂

Temporary Smiles

I find myself feeling heavy with burdens that I shouldn’t really be bothered by.
Even when I’m happy, I’m always stressed that it wouldn’t last. It never does. Instead of enjoying the moment, I’m always wondering when it will end. Is it now or later? What if it is now? I’m not done feeling happy yet. I don’t want the feeling to go away. So many thoughts that meet no soultions whatsoever. So many floating ideas that fog my brain and suffocate me. I wish I can pour it all out, but I can’t. You don’t understand. You won’t understand.  Your mind is going in a direction that has nothing nothing to do with the things I want to say. Again, I hold it all in and hope for tomorrow to bring answers to the questions that seem absurd to the whole world, including myself.

Things Left Unsaid

As I gaze into the horizon, I wonder if I’ve ever seen a balloon floating high without the helium or the hot air lifting it up. I wonder if I’ve ever seen a flower dancing without a breeze or sea water twinkling without the sun rays teasingly shining and reflecting on the ever so pure surface.

I laugh at the irony that the things that usually give us happiness cannot seem happy without an external aid, the help of a stimulus that they cannot control. The things that make us happy have no say in their own happiness

That’s what we’ve become; dependent souls that cannot achieve happiness on their own but rather let it depend on others. We’d rather let it depend on things that we can’t control. We no longer have a say in when our hearts shall dance.

We choose to let our lives slip out of our hands into others’, because solo happiness is extremely temporary and endlessly unreal. Solo happiness is the mask we choose to wear to look at our reflection in the mirror in the hope of being convinced by its false beauty.

I slide back into reality to realise that this is where I stand. In my worst times, I’m still staring into the nothing hoping for someone else to come and give me a façade of happiness that will hopefully keep me going. I’m forever waiting for a reason to smile that certain smile that brings me back to where I belong.

All Them Hard Decisions

Sometimes I find it really hard to decide between what I need, what I want and what I think I deserve.

The list of the things I want is infinite. It contains pretty much everything ranging from emotional support as love and security to materialistic things like a trip to the Bahamas or a weekend in the Caribbean with the person I love.
The list of the things I need is much shorter. My demands here are narrowed down to things that, despite being very few, are very critical. I need love, all the time. I need to feel supported and understood and safe and independent all at once!

Now as you see, although the list of the things I want is much much lenghtier than the list of the things I actually need, I find it comparatively easier to accomplish.

I found out that the things I need are mostly things that are to be provided by someone else, whereas the things I want can be easily done on my own, no help required, except for a thief that can help me rob a bank maybe.
I have control over the things I want, atleast to an extent. While as for the things I need, I have absolutely no say in when to get them.

Now as for the things I think i deserve, I think I deserve to get all the things I want and all the things I need. Who doesn’t? But I for sure know that this is not true, and that this perfection is not really what I deserve at all. But who cares, right?

Finally, the only solution I could think of is that we all need to change our list of “Things I need”. Cross out attention craving, and write down self confidence instead. Start to make that list depend on you instead of making it depend on everyone else but you.

I think I will spend the rest of my life trying to make a list that’s a mix between all these 3 lists and I will try my best to make that list look realistic. The type of realistic that needs a miracle to happen that is. 😀

Absentminded

No matter how busy I am or how occupied my mind is, a part of me always acknowledges the fact that you’re not here. Even if it’s just for a while, your short absence always outweighs your sweet presence.
A part of me craves your presence 24/7.
Although I perfectly understand that it’s logically impossible and irrational, that part of me just doesn’t seem to get it. No matter how hard I try to convince it that it’s okay to be without you for a while, it never understands.
I guess I’ll just let it be. Maybe that part of me is the part that keeps me alive in your absence feeding on the anxiousness of waiting to talk to you again.

Rampant Fear

The ugliest, most unwelcomed feeling in the world is: fear.
Fear is by far the only feeling that could kill you inside out.
We leave doors ajar, hoping for someone to come and open them wide because we’re too scared to do it ourselves.
And when someone comes along and does it for us, we’re still ready to slightly shut it at our first insecurity crisis.
I’ve lived in fear throughout my life. The fear to trust, to get too attached, to be heartbroken, a lot of fears actually.
Even when you trust completely, your doors, although wide open, are always shaky. They’re always looking for a hint to shut.
I have no idea when I will get over my fears although I have a person that I trust with my life. All of it and every single part of it.
The nights I stay awake in fear of so many things: losses, heartbreaks, death, tragedies. So many scenarios that only exist in my head. A single word (or the lack of it) could keep me awake for nights thinking and overthinking.
Sometimes I lose sleep over the fear of fear itself. I’m afraid that I will be afraid.
I need a ground to stand on. A base to hold onto. I need fear to get out of my head.