I stare at the fan,
Spinning in an infinite loop.
Its rhythmic humming keeping me calm.
“Where have I gone wrong?”,
I wonder as I feel myself getting closer to a new breakdown,
The only thing holding me back is the consistent sound.
I feel my thoughts racing,
Slightly going out of control.
“Is this who I will have to be for the rest of my life?”,
The idea seemed terrifying.
The dependency,
The constant fears that never leave my side,
Always scared,
Always holding back,
Always thinking of the moment I will be abandoned,
Cold,
Stranded,
And alone.
I hate how it gets the best of me,
Every single time.
There’s no remedy for that,
There’s no running away.
It’s like all these fears,
Can eat up every beautiful thing you touch.
No love in the world has ever managed to save me,
And I instantly knew,
It’ll take more than the sweet humming of this overlying fan,
To avoid this one breakdown.
Alya Omran’s Blog 