Made of Glass

Everything comes at a cost here.

Love, hate, truth, lies,

Everything.

It’s never easy to admit how dependent you are, how attached, how vulnerable in a bond.

You know why?

I’ll tell you.

Because: 1. It means you’re no longer in control. It means you just gave someone the power to shatter you.

2. It beats your ego to have a weakness. A liability.

3. It is so damn inconvenient to know that someone’s mere absence can eventually destroy you.

4. The fact that a person can bring so much warmness to your soul, means all this warmness can also go to hell if they choose to leave.

And why does any of this hurt sometimes, to the point of denial, maybe?

Because you’d rather believe you’re good on your own. Strong. Complete. That excessive emotions are not your thing. That attachment/dependency kills everything. That nothing and no one has the power to hurt you and that it should stay that way. That you’ve been hurt enough.

And you know what that also translates to?

Anything BUT human.

You can never admit, believe, trust, or embrace the fact that you’re so fucking fragile. A hell lot more fragile than you’d wish to be.

Running away from everything that’s human is a state of denial. It gets the best of you. It takes the best away from you, too.

This life is so tough. We’ve been broken over and over, some more than others. You are fragile, whether you accept it or not. Life will beat you down. There’s nothing you can do about it. Have a safe haven. Embrace it. Accept your fragility. Let your walls down.

The harder you fight it, the longer you waste. Your only escape, is to run into familiar arms every single time life takes its toll on you. It’s beautiful, and so divine.

Fear.. among other things

It takes courage to spill your heart on a page that might be read by someone on the other side of the globe.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t have my life together.

I feel no shame in realising that I’m still a long way from figuring out how to deal with my insecurities.

I grew up with an anxiety disorder, one that not many people who know me actually know about.

It’s exhausting to fight a war inside your head every single day.
– Mickie Ann

My body was not created to withstand the same amount of stress as everyone else nor to deal with it in a rational way.

To be honest, I’ve never seen myself as a fragile person. In fact, I would bet that most of the people who had any contact with me would rather say I have a strong, determined personality. Which I might, or might not.

I’ve beaten myself down much more than I pulled myself up. Once my stress goes out of control, I switch to self destruction mode immediately. I then start to lash at myself, thinking of every mistake, bad decision, miscalculation I’ve ever made in my life.

I feel inferior to everyone and everything. I wouldn’t go near the mirror for days. I feel like I don’t belong to anything around me. I start losing my confidence, my self esteem. In these moments, my whole world seems to be cracking. 

I have yet to mention the panic attacks, the certainty that something was going to happen to me or to someone I love this very moment. A feeling that intense is capable of shattering your mental state in seconds. 

The feeling that my head is about to explode with the million scenarios going on inside and the demons racing all around it.

The nights I spend crying when I truly and deeply know that it is uncalled for and that if I had to say a reasonable reason for all this, I wouldn’t be able to.I tried to open up to closed ones about it, but no one seems to actually get a grip on what exactly is going on in my head. I can’t blame them, to be honest. If I hadn’t been through this and someone came and told me about it, I would think they’re probably being very dramatic, or just going through a phase. 

Let alone the times I would be too embarrassed to speak about it out of fear that they would think I’m a whiner, complaining all the time for nothing.

I’m writing this, to whom it may concern, because I’m convinced that the first step to deal with something is to acknowledge its presence.

I’m not ashamed to finally admit, that my head is not the way everyone else’s is.

I know I’m not alone and I’m certain that there are many people out there going through the exact same thing I’m going through.

Seek help, and keep your faith going.

You deserve some peace of mind, no matter how impossible it seems to achieve.